Nautiscarader's Wendip Week 2018 3: Combat
by nautiscarader
Summary: Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, Soos and Melody team up to rescue their friends. A brawl is surely brewing. Rated T for some mature innuendos and implications.


Through deceptively calm waters, a medium-sized, white trawler cut through the thick fog that might have otherwise discouraged other sailors from going forward, but it was nothing to the ones aboard this particular vessel. For once, none of the passengers were actual, trained sailors, and more importantly, they were all determined to arrive at their destination as fast as possible, with one clear intention in their minds: to rescue.

Dipper Pines stood by the steering wheel, which was one just from the name. The fog wasn't a problem for the on-board GPS, though a skilled eye was still necessary to watch out for rocks or other debris. This is why Mabel, Wendy, Soos and Melody all stared ahead giving their captain warnings about oncoming danger. Or rather, they would have if any danger lied ahead. As far as anyone was concerned, it was a straightforward, almost boring route. But they all knew that something in these very waters was an obstacle so formidable, that even the combined minds and strength of both Stanley and Stanford Pines couldn't defeat it.

Of course, no one aboard had thoughts that ghastly. Communication with the Stan o' War II was cut off a bit more than a day ago, and it took all five of their closest friends and family less than few hours to gather resources, travel to, rent a boat and leave from the same port Stan and Ford sailed from almost a month earlier. Mabel insisted on taking the wheel - after all, she has spent last week or so preparing their welcome-back party, and awaited their tales more than anyone else, with the same curiosity and enthusiasm as if she was still thirteen.

But after she steered the ship in a manner so fast and reckless it almost sabotaged the entire trip, the feisty eighteen-year-old was delegated to climb to the only mast of their ship and from her non-existent crow's nest look further than anyone on board, whilst her brother took her place.

And sure enough, it was Mabel who spotted a small, rocky island and a wooden boat next to it on the horizon before it appeared on the radar.

The five adventurers gathered all at the bow, staring into the lessening fog, expecting to see their grunkles' ship in ruins. But to their surprise and relief, when their boat reached the shore, it became obvious the ship was not damaged in any observable way.

Mabel readied her grappling hook, Wendy stayed on the board with her rifle, which she traded temporarily for her usual axe, and watched as the slightly older Pines twin shot her way to board the ship, landed swiftly on her feet, strode to the door of the cabin, and kicked the door to confront any enemies hiding there. But again, there wasn't anyone inside. The electronic devices were still on, recording the same position for the last twenty four hours, and nothing in the room indicated any signs of fight or accident that might have happened.

Mabel gave the other four signal, and they all followed her, about to see what hid in the bowels of the ship. However, that search gave them no more information on what happened to their grunkles than the previous one. Food crates, spare weapons and scientific instruments, all seemed intact.

This time, it was Dipper, who ventured forward along the island's minuscule coast and found an obvious place their grunkles would surely be in: a passage wide enough for more than two people, located between the two pillars that formed the majority of the rocky island, leading to an underground cave.

\- Alright, guys. Me and Soos are going in. Don't follow us, it is dangerous in there. - Dipper stated matter-of-factly, giving nod to Soos.

He turned his back when three voices loudly protested.

\- Woah, woah, woah, Dipper, what makes you think you can give us orders? - Mabel threw her arms in the air.

\- Yeah, Dipper, rule one in horror movies: don't split up. - Wendy accompanied her.

\- Or do you think that just because we're women you can leave us here and do the bravey-brave things yourselves? - Melody added mockingly.

Dipper sighed.

\- No, it's nothing like that! - he responded - We don't want anything happen to you...

\- Oh, sure, and how many times we had to save your sorry arses? - Mabel barked back - We don't have the Y chromosome, "y" as in "Why would you think you're any better than us"?

\- For the record, I just think it's better if we get eaten than you guys - Soos interjected, which made Melody give the tiniest of gasps at the supposedly romantic gesture of her husband, until Wendy gave her a less-than-subtle nudge in the ribs.

The lumberjill stepped forward to separate the bickering twins.

\- Guys, guys, listen - Wendy pushed them aside - Dipper, dude, I know you don't want to risk our lives, but if we want to save Stan and Ford, we need all the firepower we can have. As in, you need us. And we need you two.

Dipper looked deeply into his girlfriend's eyes, then into his sister's, and let out another deep sigh.

\- How about this: if we don't return in an hour's time, you will follow. But you will also radio for help before that, understood?

It was time for Wendy, Mabel and Melody to exchange knowing looks, and with grimaces of reluctance still on their faces, they all nodded. Wendy and Melody gave their lesser halves kisses, Wendy fixed the rifles on Dipper's back, and with that, the two slowly walked down the narrow rocky corridor (which proved easy even for Soos). Once the lights from their torches disappeared, the three women quit their act at once.

\- So... we wait twenty minutes and then we go in, right? - asked Melody

\- Right. - Wendy and Mabel responded, readying their weapons without so much as thinking of an answer.

The next third of an hour passed almost instantly. With no contact from the boys, three gals followed their steps, and entered the dark seashore cavern, expecting to be the rescuers of the rescue team. They thought that the walls would get more and more narrow, but the cavern slowly turned into an angled, helical corridor, which after a few dozens of yards became a staircase with occasional straightened lumps of rock and dirt working as steps or landings. The group moved silently, until Mabel pointed her torch at the sandy floor.

Melody was about to scream, but Wendy quickly covered her mouth; the beam of light revealed an old, dusty backpack with the remains of its owner still attached to it. The white bones shone in the light, bringing more questions than answers.

\- That's not... is it? - asked Melody with a trembling voice.

\- Nah, it's too old. - Wendy quickly reassured her - But guys must have seen it. Why didn't they turn back?

\- Because they're morons?

Melody and Wendy exchanged a concerned look, agreeing with Mabel's decision. They hurried up, following the boys' footsteps, afraid of what could wait for them behind next turn. Their worries came true almost instantly, when Mabel's boot bumped into a metallic, rectangular object, turning it briefly on.

\- Look! It's Ford's!

She picked up a tablet which for the last few years served Ford as his new, slightly modernised journal. The screen was cracked, and the battery was almost dead, but his writing was still readable. Wendy and Melody flocked around Mabel, trying to read Ford's notes.

\- A "song"? A "trance"? - she read - What is going on? And what's an "iren"?

\- Dipper!

Before she could turn her head, Wendy rushed forward, screaming for her boyfriend. Melody followed her, leaving Mabel running last in line, trying to read without tripping over rocks.

\- "...bird-like creatures, with claws and feathers, known throughout history for... using their voices to lure men"?!

She tossed the tablet into her backpack and run down the rocky corridor, towards the dim green aura coming from its end. Mabel armed her grappling hook and sprinted past her friends, and entered a large cave, ready to confront her opponents.

\- Alright, you leave our morons a...lone?

Wendy and Melody arrived a second later, and were equally astonished by what they saw inside. They were greeted by eight pairs of eyes, though only four of them human. The rest belonged to large, scale- and feathers-covered creatures, with beaks and clawed appendages. The brief description from Ford's notes gave the gals a lot of mental images of what the sirens could be doing to Soos, Dipper, Ford and Stan.

"Having fun" wasn't one of them.

\- Mabel! Wendy! I thought you'd never arrive!

Dipper waved at the three flabbergasted young women standing by the cave's entrance, examining its decor. They expected sacrificial altars, human skulls used as bowls and cups, or other ghastly elements. Instead, they noticed a huge flat screen TV, emitting the green light they saw before; Soos, together with one of the sirens stared at it, playing a video game, seemingly unaware of the women's arrival. Another siren was sitting with Dipper amongst a huge pile of multicoloured comic books and trading cards. In the back, they noticed a jukebox, snooker table and several comfy chairs, occupied by the two oldest missing adventurers, as well as two more sirens.

\- Hello, ladies! - Stan shouted, sipping from what looked like a glass of whiskey. - Didn't expect you here! Care to join us?

\- Mabel! Wendy! Melody! - Ford looked from up the old, dusty tome he's been reading, putting it on the table. - What brings you here?

The three women once again looked at each other, trying to form a cohesive answer, which given the bizarre circumstances wasn't exactly easy.

\- Uhm... To... Rescue you? - Melody begun sheepishly.

\- Yeah, that's why Dipper and Soos went here. - Mabel pointed to the boys in question. - And we also went to rescue them as well, since, well, they are who they are.

\- Rescue? - Dipper stood up - Can't you see, we're not in any danger. Come on, tell them, Isobel!

He gave his siren partner a quick nod to her feathered arm, and dragged her from her seat to face Wendy. The distinctively red-beaked creature gave what otherwise might be called a polite smile, though it hasn't improved Wendy's mood at all, and the fact that Dipper was already on first name terms with her definitely hasn't made her lower her rifle.

The other three sirens followed her and flocked to the first one, until she spread her wings and bowed to the newcomers.

\- Greetings, brave ladies! Welcome to our humble abodes. - she spoke in a sing-song voice. - My name is Isobel, and these are Mathilda, Ettiene and Fallaise. You have nothing to fear from us.

\- Oh, yeah? - Mabel retorted - Then why did you lure them all here?

\- Oh, we didn't lure them! - the siren called Isobel replied - These two gentlemen simply lost their way in the mist, and had to rest. And what would you you prefer: sleep in the boat, or in a nice cave by the fire with all the commodities?

\- And what about Dipper and Soos? - Wendy joined Mabel, doing another step forward, towards the blue- and yellow- beaked sirens.

\- The younger ones were weary as well. They are not as skilled sailors as their old... ehm, more experienced friends. - she corrected herself - And what else to offer them than some modern ways of entertainment?

A loud cheer reached the group, causing the sirens and the humans to look at Soos, waving his arms in the air.

\- Yes! I got the first place! - he turned to Melody - Did you see this, honey?

Still staring at him, sirens didn't notice Mabel pushing their feathered bodies aside to walk through the barrier they created to reach her brother.

\- Dipper, you can't be serious! They are sirens! - she shouted into his ear - They always lure people in. Not just people, men!

\- Oh, come on, just because they, unlike you, understand our hobbies doesn't mean they are automatically bad!

This was the last straw for Mabel. Her eye twitched, but she remained composed, and simply walked around the room, examining various bits of the odd décor. She circled the cave twice, returning to the same place she started from, with a sly grin on her face.

\- These sirens are evil, exhibit A! - she shouted, grabbing the controller that used to belong to the blue siren - This one might looked like a skilled gamer, but behold! Her controller wasn't even connected to the console!

The siren shot her a cold stare, while Soos was stilled absorbed by his avatar on screen, waving a shining trophy with a congratulatory message written in broken English.

\- And these - she took the cards Dipper was clutching in his hands - They might look like the originals, with the protective cases and stuff... but they are mere reprints of the originals!

She ripped the card from the foil, exposing the modern back tucked behind the old-looking one.

\- And I would be very surprised if these bottles really contained a two-hundred-year old whiskey... - she said taking a healthy sip from the bottle.

The next moment taste and fumes of the alcohol burned through her throat, causing her to spit the entire gulp.

\- Okay, maybe that was real.

As if on cue, the four sirens hissed, and four hypnotised men grabbed and shook their heads, as if they just woke up from a hangover-induced sleep.

\- Mabel, what is going o- The Sirens!

Dipper screamed and ran towards the rest of the group, secured from the front by the three women. His grunkles swiftly grabbed two empty bottles of whiskey, expanding the armory brought by Wendy and Mabel. Unable to find anything for of her own, Meody resorted to Wendy's axe she held rather clumsily in her hands, never having to use one. Four feminine creatures bristled their hair- and scaled-covered heads and circled the adventurers, trapping them in a corner.

\- Kids! We've been kidnapped! Uhm, elder-napped. Napped! - Grunkle Stan shouted - They lured us in with the promise of fair retirement system. I should have known that such a thing doesn't exist!

\- And then they've kidnapped us too! - Dipper added.

\- Yeah, no kidding. - snarled Wendy, keeping her eyes on the four creatures.

\- Uh, Wendy aren't you glad that we're alive?

A very short and sharp turn of her head gave Dipper an answer in a form of cold and angry "I-told-you-so" look, silencing him for good. Wendy readied her double-barrelled rifle when a red siren opened her beak-like mouth.

\- Give us our men back - she hissed, stretching her wings.

\- Never in our lives, you feather-brains. - two bullets fell into the chamber with a metallic "click" - You wanted to steal my boyfriend!

\- My brother!

\- And my hubby! - Melody added, steeping in front of Soos, who took the entire situation with surprising calm, perhaps just because he was still going to use the controller as his weapon.

\- Ladies, I do hope you remember us. - Grunkle Stan peeked his head through the front row, only to tuck it back again when the red Siren opened her jaws again.

\- Curses! - she hissed - All we wanted were some male friends, who would help us, poor girls be like true nerds! Do you know how difficult it is to be mainstream if you're a woman in those times?

Mabel stepped to the despondent-looking siren, who took her fake glasses and smashed them with her claws.

\- Really? - Mabel scratched her head - Do you mean it? You just wanted to belong?

\- Mabel, I wouldn't trust them! - her brother shouted from the corner.

\- Yeah, says the one who trusted them. - Wendy snickered.

\- So... you didn't want to hurt them? - Mabel asked once again, lowering her grappling hook slightly.

\- Of course! - sang another one - How else would we then use them and feed to our future babies?

Silence fell in the cavern, as all eyes, human or not were now pointed at the green Siren.

\- I shouldn't have said that, should I?

\- There is a reason we don't send you on scouting missions, Mathilda. Attack! - screeched the red-beaked one, and at once the four sirens launched themselves at the humans.

Many things happened at the same time.

First, a loud "Duck, Mabel!" boomed through the cavern, followed by absolutely deafening sound of Wendy firing her rifle. She missed, only narrowly singing the feathers on one of the Siren's head. Her actions, however, were more than precise. The echo of her shot made the rest cover their ears and confuse her opponents for long enough to start their escape.

At least two of the monsters around them begun shrieking, which Wendy assumed was the sound that took control of her friends' minds. Wendy grabbed her boyfriend by the collar of his shirt and rushed to the exit, slamming the closest siren in the beak, ending her song. She turned around to see if Dipper kept his hands over ears, and was quite happy to see his beaming smile, meaning that he understood her plan.

She couldn't say the same about Soos, who had to have his ears covered by Melody, resulting in her using her feet and elbow to parry sirens' attacks, which was, nonetheless, surprisingly effective, even if she could use the actual weapon in her hand.

Using her grappling hook, Mabel found her way to grunkle Stan's back, piggy-backing him to the exit. The same person that just a few minutes ago complained about being weak and left alone, dashed trough the wings and claws of the enemies as if his age did not matter at all.

Ford was the only one who kept his own hearing under control, at least on the other side of his metal plate. With one hand to operate, he used his slightly faulty laser pistol to defend their position, but with their wings, the Sirens were able to prevent the adventurers from reaching their destination. Their initial advantage diminished greatly when the group were separated; Dipper, Wendy, Melody and Soos made it to the tunnel entrance, leaving the rest still fighting.

\- We have to keep them occupied! - Ford shouted, wrestling with one of the sirens, steadily advancing to the exit.

\- Grunkle Ford, do you have any tools with you? - Mabel asked, as she swung above the heads of the sirens, firing from her grappling hook one by one to keep herself mid-air.

\- I only have this, but what why how would that help? - he reached into his pocket and threw his Swiss omni-knife towards Mabel, when the trajectory of her flight coincided with his position.

One look on Mabel's face told Ford that his great-niece not only had a plan, but also told them what to do.

\- Stan, we need to buy Mabel some time! - he shouted, hoping his brother would understand at least part of his words amongst the shrieks.

He did, and the very next moment Stan let go of his ears, ripped his shirt in half and with a roar he rushed towards the sirens. Meanwhile, working under the pressure of time, Mabel fidgeted with the futuristic knife's satellite setting, and jammed it into the video cable of the television screen.

\- Come on, you ugly chickens! I sacrificed myself to worse monsters than you!

He was about to feel the pain of the claws on his chest, and the soothing, hypnotising melody of their voice in his head, but then, amongst their uproar, a new, much louder voice filled the cavern, gathering the sirens' attention. They all turned, and gathered around the flickering, booming TV.

The paused racing game was gone, and instead a much more rapid and violent one was being played, bringing the attention of not just the sirens, but humans as well, who at least temporarily ceased fighting with them.

\- You know, I'm starting to feel ignored... - Stan grumbled. - And it was a pretty decent shirt!

\- What is the meaning of this? Who- who is playing that? - screamed one of the sirens, pointing to the screen.

A young, blonde face appeared in the upper corner of the screen.

\- "It's me, WatchMeCry and this is another EXTREME(TM) and AWESOME(C) episode of my Heroes of Duty letsplay!" - the young man waved his hands towards the camera.

Somewhere above the crowd, Wendy noticed Mabel, swinging on the rope from her grappling hook, with a elongated device in her hand.

\- Quick! While they're busy! - she gave command to Stan and Ford.

Allured by the screaming and whining of the streamer, the sirens flocked to the screen, completely oblivious of the fact that his exaggerated style of playing, cursing and reacting to the game were clearly staged. Mabel swiftly fell to the ground, leading her grunkles to the rest of the group, equally baffled by the young man's pitiful gameplay.

\- Do people really watch it...? - Wendy raised her brow in disbelief.

\- I don't really play games, and even I know he sucks. - added Melody

\- That's the whole point!- explained Mabel, silently pushing the group out of the cavern - He has to be so horrible, so he can play more, do crappy commentaries and tell unfunny jokes!

As if on command, the sirens roared into laughter, following the blonde gamer's series of insults about his virtual opponent's mother.

\- Brilliant, Mabel! That will keep'em interested for good. - Wendy cheered.

\- No it won't! - interjected Ford, interrupting Wendy's speech - Mabel, great work, but we have to make sure these monsters won't lure any other bystanders, like they fooled us! I should've known they wouldn't have a complete proof of Ziemann's hype-othesis... - he scratched his head in embarrassment.

\- First of all, grunkle Ford, it's on autoplay, they still have more than seven hundreds hours of his videos, and he keeps pumping them out daily. - Mabel continued - Secondly, once they find that this guy sells his face on t-shirts, and allows donations just to show a silly message on screen, they won't need anything else. Just look at them!

The fours sirens gathered around the TV screen, passing their snacks around, commenting about the gamer's hair, his unmistakable manner of screaming and his almost childish approach to losing, and the way he trashed his controller around the room. The once mighty monsters, now completely mesmerised by their own weapon left only long shadows on the cavern's walls.

\- But... their lives may put others at risk! - continued Ford, unabashed by that sight

\- Lives? Grunkle Ford, what lives? - Mabel spread her arms - Let's face it, these sirens ain't gonna sire anything for a long time.

The adventurers looked at each other, exchanging the nods, agreeing with Mabel's plan.

\- But just to be sure, let's block the exit with a hu-uge rock. - Mabel winked.

* * *

The small port tavern in the town of Orstan had very few customers this time of year, so the late night arrival of party of seven, each demanding food and drink initially astonished the owner. But when the oldest two started spinning the tales of their sea adventures, the barman himself joined their table and listened to the wild and colourful stories.

Not all people around the table listened as eagerly as the barman or Mabel, who kept asking Ford to re-tell the same fight with double-headed shark again and again. Dipper Pines sipped the soda from his beer mug, staring into the foam forming on top of it, and only when Wendy gave him a quick nudge he realised she's not been listening to Ford and Stan as well.

\- What's wrong Dipper?

\- I feel horrible, Wendy. - he groaned under his breath - How could I fell for the sirens trap? I've read about them! I knew their weapon!

\- Dipper, don't be so hard on yourself. - she put a hand on his shoulder - You guys have been hypnotised, you couldn't do anything...

\- Yeah, but that easily? - Dipper sighed again. - I told you that you mean a world to me, and no other girl would do the same to me... And Soos promised that to Melody in church. And we were both bamboozled by those four.

Wendy snickered, spilling ale from her mug.

\- Okay, first of all, no one uses that word anymore. And secondly, look at Melody.

She pointed to the opposite side of the table, where the other shop assistant at the Mystery Shack curled in Soos' arms ready to fall asleep if not for Stan and Ford's story.

\- Does this looks like a couple that is about to break up because of this?

\- No... - Dipper answered, and flinched, when he felt Wendy's arms closing around his stomach.

\- Yeah, and neither will we. - she gave his ear a gentle kiss.

\- So... you're not angry at me?

\- Dipper, you gawked at that beaked bitch as if she was the next wonder of the world, and she would have babies with you, of course I'm angry. - she kissed him again - But that doesn't mean I can't forgive you. After all, you're just a man.

\- Hey, what was that supposed to mean? - Dipper turned his head around and met Wendy's face beaming with a smile.

\- Why don't you show me?

Her low, alluring voice caused Dipper to spill his drink again, but this time, he grabbed Wendy's mug, gulped down a bit of heavy alcohol, and let his girlfriend drag him to their room.

Half an hour later delightful stories told by Ford and Stan turned into singing contest of loud and obnoxious shanties that drove Mabel mad. And with both Soos and Melody as well as Dipper and Wendy gone to their respective beds, she gulped down another mug of beer, hoping it would make her asleep here and not have to be sandwiched between their noisy rooms.

\- I wish Paz was here...

* * *

A/N:

I'm gonna come out clean here: this fanfic is two years old. It has originally been written for "Seductive" prompt during Wendip Week 2016, except that year I got heavily depressed and barely finished three prompts. However, when I re-read it a few weeks ago, I discovered it was pretty much finished, and it fitted the "combat" prompt as well, so I decided to reuse it. I do hope you will forgive me for that.

The whole premise for the story was, of course, the "fake gamer girl" cliche, and often associated with it mistakes like disconnected controller/turned off console/lack of cartridge often shown on some poor photoshops that were supposed to market that demographic.

Isobel, Ettiene and Fallaise are names of three Hagravens from The Elder Scrolls games; they appear in Bloodmoon, Morrowind's DLC and later in Dragonborn, Skyrim's DLC.

"WatchMeCry" is, for those who have been living under a rock - just like those Sirens - a parody of "colourful", shall we say, streamers like PewDiePie.

Ziemann's "hype-otheosis" is a joke on famous, (currently) unproven Riemann's hypothesis.

Orstan is a parody of a port town in Oregon called Orford.


End file.
